“Oh ho,” you must be thinking.
“You’ve done it this time, Aaron. A blog where you write about things you don’t like and the first thing you write about is blogging.” You smile wryly as you shake your head ever so slightly. “Surely, with this simple act you have transcended the innate douchebaggery of a personal complaint blog and gifted onto us a new age of self-depreciating meta-humor. Bravo, old friend. Bravo.”
Or maybe you’re thinking, “Go fuck yourself, that’s not actually as funny as you think it is, and neither is your stupid intro.”
Well, hold on to your suspenders, Prissy Longstockings, because I’m gonna do it anyways!
So. Blogging. Basically, a blog is what happens when a writer runs out of ideas to get his work noticed and decides to just post daily personal articles and spam links on his Facebook feed. Blogs operate off the idea that people are interested in what other people think, which means we’re working with faulty logic from the get-go. It’s the equivalent of small talk, only the person you’re talking to has taken your question of “So what are you up to?” as an invitation to tell you all about his new rash in vivid detail. And the moment you try to tell him you’re not really interested in hearing about that, he gives you a list of the best techniques for applying Balmex all over your ass.
The truth of the matter is that everyone wants to feel like they know the most about something. Even the world expert on ferret poop is still an expert. (Coincidently, if you’ve been waiting to show off your ferret poop knowledge, now is apparently the time.) We’re all looking for a sense of accomplishment, and what better way to get that then to broadcast our personal quirks out to a bunch of random strangers. I mean, the odds are good, right? Of all the people, in all the world, surely there must be someone who is interested in reading about hungover owls?
Here’s another thing I hate about bloggers. There’s too fucking many of them who decided they had the BEST. IDEA. EVER. and then only made a few posts and never looked at them again because no one ever read them. (Not like my blog, of course.) Now, usually I would be all for the untimely collapse of someone else’s hopes and dreams, but these little Hindenburgs have found a way to reach out from beyond the grave to piss me off: domain names.
Do you know how many fucking clever names I had to go through in order to find one that wasn’t taken? Like ten. Take, for example, this guy. I don’t even understand what is going on there. It’s not daily, and there’s nothing one could consider carp-based, fish or otherwise. Or how about this motherfucker? Granted, “carpe carpe” means Seize the Seize, which admittedly I only found because I misspelled this overused joke. But come on! That site was made in 2009 and the person never even made a post! To be fair, neither “Go Take a Carp” or “CarpCarpCarp” have been taken, but those were desperation moves.
So I guess what it comes down to is this: If I hate blogs so much, then why am I writing this in the first place? Well, people have told me that a good way to deal with negative attitudes is to write a list of everything you hate, and a list of everything you love. By doing this, you can cut through your preconceived notions and see what matters the most to you in life. But, I’m kind of lazy, so I’m just going to do the first part.