Things I Hate #002: Times Square

Whenever I visit New York, I always have an inescapable urge to travel around and “see the sights”. It’s like the reptilian part of my brain crawls out from whatever dark recess it’s been hiding in and perches on my shoulder saying things like, “I bet the Statue of Liberty will be interesting THIS time!” or “That ironic New York slogan T-Shirt would look great with my camo shorts!” But the thing is, despite how many times I go through these pointless rituals and swear that, ok, this is totally the last time I buy a jumbo hot dog from that slightly greasy mustached man behind the Synagogue, I keep repeating the same mistakes every time I visit. Case in point, motherfucking Times Square. I get it, it’s one of the “highlights” of New York.  Walking out of the Subway into the sprawling mass of electronic billboards and vaguely creepy hispanic street performers dressed as Disney characters, you can’t but help be momentarily shell-shocked, like a soldier splashing through the Normandy waters on D-Day.

d01_0p011976“Hurry, before tickets to The Lion King sell out!”

Times Square is basically the furthest you can get from the natural environments of our primitive ancestors. No plant life of any sort (unless you count the sporadically placed potted trees), flashing lights everywhere you look, and absolutely no cover whatsoever in case a predator begins to track your scent (represented in modern times by those dudes who will literally try everything in their power to hand you a pamphlet for the FREE CRUISE that you could win). There’s a reason that most apocalyptic end-of-the-world movies show a ruined Times Square covered by nature and wildlife: because it’s just so inconceivable that anything with a trace of Mother Earth still nestled within could step foot five feet from the entrance without burning up in a flash of carcinogens and sleaze.

blulegend1bFurther proof that intelligent human life is unneeded to put on a performance of Wicked

But none of that is what really bugs me about Times Square. I haven’t stepped foot in any thing remotely resembling nature in weeks, so who am I to complain? No, the biggest problem with Times Square, the most offensive, disgusting, soul-sucking piece of the puzzle is a little devil spawn location affectionately called “M&Ms World”. Now, if you are wondering what exactly “M&Ms World” is, then you are not alone. Despite the literal nature of the name, “M&Ms World” was not what I expected it be: a conceptual replication, in the vein of a Renaissance Faire, of an alternative universe in which the world has been taken over by miniature chocolate candies and humans only exist for the purpose of unholy ritualistic worship. Rather, and quite disappointingly, it is a store solely dedicated to M&M merchandise, including, but not limited to, T-Shirts, Coasters, Plush Dolls, Pillows, Golf Balls, Ear Buds, Magnets, and pretty much anything else they could slap those idiotic candy faces on. In other words, my initial impression of the alternative universe wasn’t that far off.


I’m not sure if this is a threat

What truly boggles the mind is that the website for “M&Ms World” has a merchandise section for Pet Apparel, yet there is not actually anything there. You have to wonder, are they just saving the area on the off chance someone eventually comes up with a Pet based product, or were the items they were selling such a base infringement on animal rights that they had to be removed? Perhaps it’s better not knowing.

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